Leo (person)

I don’t know what to say dad. I’ve hurt you so many times. You have every right to keep your distance from me. Im writing this letter for me and my selfish reasons. Regardless, im going to give you my side of the story. I don’t mean to blame you and if I do, please forgive me dad.

Ive always had these symptoms that have been so challenging for as long as I can remember. I’m not going to blame you but am I to blame?

The first time I went to the psychiatric ward, the doctors told me that it was drug induced psychosis. The drugs do not help but I know that I have had these symptoms of mental illness before the use of drugs.

The first time I went to the psychiatric ward, you were there.

The second time I went to the psychiatric ward, you were there.

The third time I went to the psychiatric ward, I committed myself because I was suicidal. You were still there for me dad.

The fourth time I went to the psychiatric ward, this is when you rightfully started erecting your walls. You did not give me a home to go to this time. You simply demonstrated that it was time to “swim on my own”.

I swam for some time until I had another breakdown. Again, you took me in.

In your home we had an argument. Living with you was too much. I gave you problems and showed you an individual with no hope.

I certainly gave you problems when we argued, and you finally demonstrated that enough was enough.

It was the longest time apart in our lifetime and please be sure that I do not blame you.

I continued to give you problems from a distance until once again I fell apart.

Here I am dad, communicating with you for me.

I broke down hard this time dad. I had an imaginary girlfriend who was a bird and also spoke in my head. I conquered my town in an imaginary warfare. I was “tested by God” to do apparently great things. Every woman and man loved me and imaginary enemies surrounded me. In a battle in my mind I wore; a tie, gloves taped to my knees and rope tied in ribbons around my ankles. That is all I wore. For me, I will also mention that in this attire I pranced in my backyard pulling my penis. This is a picture of one of my recent breakdowns. This communication is for me dad and because its for me, ill continue….after being taken to hospital by police and the ambulance, I was discharged. Not long after I was discharged this recent admission, I returned to hospital for being at risk of suicide. Before I admitted myself for being at risk of suicide I drank two bottles of wine and burnt myself with a lighter.

This communication is for me dad but I will assure you that it will never reach you. I love you dad. The night I burnt myself with a lighter I saw you and you looked very grey. This letter will never reach you and because it will never reach you I wont say goodbye.

 

Leo (mentally ill)

Whats your problem dad? Are you sticking your head in the sand once again? That’s ok, I forgive you. Im not going to blame you directly but im going to show you how unreasonable you are being and how you are partially to blame.

What did I do dad? Is it my fault that I was born from you? Is it my fault that I have this illness? Now you reject me as if it is. If you reject your own son, you reject yourself. Why do you think you are going so grey? You always blamed me for going crazy for the drugs I was taking. Now, as it stands, you have 3 sons with mental illness and you have rejected all 3 of them. Do you think that your past sins in raising your children have nothing to do with the mental illness? You don’t notice your greying because you see yourself in the mirror every fucking day. Let me put this argument in summary. You have rejected your 3 oldest sons for mental illness, which I suspect is partially the cause for the way you raised us. You’re a joke and a coward. Maybe I will send these letters. It depends on how I feel. Happy future father’s day. How much do I remind you of yourself?

 

Father

This is the last time you hurt me my son. An attack doesn’t hurt without an attacker….